More Than I Knew
by Alydia Rackham
Summary: John's thoughts as he stares down the barrel of Teyla's gun, and he is forced to make the hardest confession of his life. The Long Goodbye tag. Spoilers.


_A/N: This is a birthday gift for my good friend, Jewel of Athos, in case she ever wondered what our poor guy was thinking. I hope you enjoy it, my dear!_

_VVVVVVV_

More Than I Knew

This was really bad. Believe me, I've been in some scrapes. But this was different. I had never been _hijacked _before.

I mean, I could still see. That was a plus. I think. Maybe not. I felt like I was wrapped up in a tight box. I couldn't move—I couldn't even take a breath when I wanted to, or blink. _He _was controlling all of that. Everything. All I could do was watch, my gut creeping and crawling with the weirdest feelings as my body moved and talked without me.

But I _could_ scream. In my head. I was doing a lot of that.

_Ronon! _ I was deafening myself, howling his name over and over as my mouth said something else—something calm and calculating:

"Sorry, buddy. The plan didn't work. She got away because all I had was this stupid little thing." My hand threw my stunner. It clanked against the metal. Ronon, lying on the floor in the dark cargo hold, his stomach bleeding from a bullet wound, tried to reach for his blaster. All I could see was his blood.

_Ronon! _My mouth wouldn't work. _RONON! _

My foot moved. It stepped on Ronon's wrist to stop him. Then, my hand reached down, picked up Ronon's blaster and aimed it at him.

"At least you're out of the way," my mouth said.

_No! No, don't! _ I used every inch of my will to bash against the restraints holding me captive in my own brain. I roared as loud as I could. I couldn't even move my own lips. Ronon looked up at me, scared. I felt sick.

"You're not...?" Ronon stammered.

"Not Sheppard, no," my mouth said. "But I tell you what: he's screaming in my head right now like you wouldn't believe." He activated my radio. "Medical team to the south fork Cargo Hold. You have a man down."

Then, he turned away, leaving my friend bleeding on the floor.

_What are you doing?! I can't leave him here!_

_Shut up, Sheppard, _Thalen commanded, his tones echoing in my head. _The next time you distract me, it might cost you your life._

_What—you're going to kill me? _I snapped back, my mental voice high-pitched, because I was feeling as close to a breakdown as I have ever been.

_No, _he said. _She will_.

Trying hard to get calm again, I thought back over what had happened. It was a trick my old field commander had taught us: "When in doubt, retrace your steps." And even if that didn't work to solve the situation, at least it kept you from totally freaking out.

_Okay, John, c'mon. Think. _

We had rescued two pods floating out in space—they had looked like coffins. The first one we pulled out had been holding an old woman. A woman who, when we opened the pod, had transferred her whole being into Dr. Weir. _That _was unsettling, but when she talked she seemed nice, and let Elizabeth talk, too. The old lady's name was Phebus. Then, Phebus gave us a really sappy story that, of course, we all fell for.

She said the other pod held her husband, Thalen. And then she asked _me _to let _him _jump into my brain, so they could have one last goodbye—apparently, the transfer only lasted about a day, and then their consciousnesses would expire.

And—like an idiot—I said okay.

Well, guess what? They weren't husband and wife. They were actually…well, yeah, they wanted to kill each other. Of course.

Apparently, they were still stuck in some eons-old war, determined to finish it out between them. So they were fighting to the death in the halls of Atlantis, and too bad for anybody who got caught in the crossfire.

_Sheppard, I'm warning you…_

_What? _I jerked as Thalen said that.

_Stop thinking so loud! _

Motion caught my…our…attention. It was Elizabeth. Phebus. She slipped by, faster than Thalen could get a lock on her. But then another form, more slender and graceful, silently trailed after.

_Teyla!_

My arms raised. I sighted down the barrel of Ronon's gun.

_What--?_

I felt my hand squeeze the trigger.

_NO!_

Panic shot through me—but Teyla was instantly enveloped in sparking blue energy, and faded to the floor like a falling flower petal. I mentally sucked in a gasping breath. She was just stunned.

Thalen adjusted the blaster to a higher setting and made me walk past Teyla.

"Will you people stop getting in the way?!" he growled.

I tried to make myself talk, since I couldn't force him to stop and see if she was okay._Why…Why didn't you kill her?_

_Would you _rather_ I killed her? _ Thalen said flatly.

_No. _My voice was weak. I was too shaky with relief.

Just then, Thalen lifted my arms, aimed and fired. Elizabeth ducked behind a pillar. Then, a burst of machine gun fire shattered the air just above my…our…head. We jumped into cover.

"Go ahead and expend all your ammunition, just like you did last time! You people don't know how to fight, Phebus. That's why we're gonna win the war!"

It was _too weird_ to hear my voice yelling that stuff…

Thalen shot at her again. Then Elizabeth's angry voice answered.

"This war's not over yet!" She jumped out of her cover, nearly mowing us down, then darted down another corridor. Thalen got me up and we chased after her.

I don't know how long this went on. I could feel Thalen rifling through my memories like files in an attic as we ran through the hallways. But still, somehow, Elizabeth got away.

We passed into a room and found a shut door. Both of us knew that was the only way to go. Thalen waved my hand in front of the panel. The door stayed shut. Thalen tapped my radio.

"Is this what you wanted, Phebus? Another stalemate? I thought you wanted to finish this."

"What's wrong, Thalen?" She was definitely taunting. "You can't get out?"

Thalen was angry now. He focused my eyes on the panel.

_Don't, _I warned. _McKay will kill me if you—_

Thalen ignored me. He raised Ronon's gun and shot the panel. It exploded, and the doors jerked open a teeny bit. Thalen rammed my fingers in that gap, and used all my strength to pry those doors open and try to slide through.

He lifted my head. Thalen's shock slammed up against my intense relief. Teyla stood on the other side, pointing a Wraith stunner right at us. She fired. Nauseating darkness swallowed me and pulled me down.

I'd never been so happy to get stunned in my life.

VVV

I started waking up. My vision was blurry and I ached all over, but I was really thrilled. I focused my eyes, trying to make out the computer screens and walls and beds of the infirmary. Instead…

Well, instead, when I tried to lift my head, I couldn't. And then it lifted on its own. I groaned.

_Thalen…_

_That was unpleasant…_ He commented, still very much there.

"He is regaining consciousness."

I knew that voice. Thalen looked up—and I saw Teyla, standing in the hallway we had almost entered. She had a stunner in her hand. Her hair was disheveled, and her dark eyes were watching me more closely than she ever had. My wrists and ankles were tied up. Thalen propped me up on my elbow.

"Teyla—it's me."

Teyla squatted down in front of us, her stunner still up. She arched an eyebrow.

"Do not waste your breath trying to convince me you are John Sheppard. I do not believe you."

_That's my girl! _I cheered.  
"Don't you see what they're doing?" Thalen tried. He started flipping through files again.

"They're pitting us against each other. You know me!"

Elizabeth's voice cut in over the radio.

"Oh, please! You call that acting?!"  
Thalen sat me all the way up, and we looked past Teyla at the security camera. Thalen's

thoughts made my gut clench.

"Phebus!"

_Oh, crap_, I moaned. _Did _she _tell Teyla to—_

_Yes,_ Thalen finished.

I could hear the sneer in Elizabeth's voice.  
"There's that look of defeat I love."

"Wrong again," Thalen said back. "Still hatred."

Elizabeth's—Phebus'—voice was light.

"I guess I'm satisfied with this. Teyla?"  
Teyla stood and looked up at the camera while still aiming her stunner at us.  
"Yes?"  
"Kill him."  
Teyla froze. Her eyes were wide when she turned to stare at me.  
"Don't listen to her," Thalen urged.

_She won't kill me. _I said. I was confident. Until Elizabeth talked again.  
"Kill him now, or I vent halon fire suppressant into all the living spaces in Atlantis."

Thalen opened a file in my head. Then he flung it over his shoulder.

_Sheppard…we're in trouble. _

Teyla put a shaky hand to her radio.

"Colonel -- can she do this?"  
Thalen and I held our breath. Finally, Colonel Caldwell answered.

"I believe so."

Thalen began ransacking my brain. My hands clenched into fists. I felt his control on me slipping.

But it wasn't enough for me to take over.

_What are you doing? _I demanded.

_Look into her eyes, John, _Thalen ordered.

_What--?_

_Do it! Look at her and don't look away._

I did what he said. I looked at her. And she gazed back at me. For a moment, she stood there,

not breathing. Finally, she spoke again. Her voice was strained.

"How many people are at risk?"  
"Three-quarters of the expedition," Caldwell answered grimly.

Teyla looked back up at the camera.  
"Why are you doing this?" she gasped. Elizabeth's satisfied voice answered.

"I have spent my entire life at war with his world. Thousands have died with no hope for victory,

both sides reduced to a mere handful of fighters. If he really is the last, then in the end my people will have won."

Teyla looked back at me. Her eyes shone with desperation.  
"Don't believe her," I said. Yes, _I _said that. Thalen's thought had surged through my consciousness, but _I _had made my mouth move. Teyla's eyes locked with mine, and I couldn't turn away, even if I wanted to. Even geared for battle, even with her hair mussed and her gaze panicked, she was still the prettiest woman I'd ever seen. And I could see the struggle going on inside her. Struggle because of me.

"Believe me when I say I have absolutely nothing to lose," Elizabeth assured us. "In a very short time, I will feel excruciating pain, this body will convulse, and I will cease to exist. That's what is ahead for me. All I can hope for now is to achieve victory for my people."  
Teyla broke contact with me and turned to face the camera. Her stunner arm lowered, but her knuckles were white.

"Phebus," she said urgently. "Your people are long dead. Who lost or won a war so many years ago does not matter."  
"It matters to me." Elizabeth's voice was flat.

I was in pain.

Thalen was tearing through me like a fire through a wooden house, searching deeper and deeper. I could feel him blasting through doors that I had barred shut a long time ago—he was shining light on places I had wanted to stay hidden. As a result, each time he slammed through a deeper entrance, it literally hurt, and vulnerability just flooded through me. I couldn't stop it. Tears stung my eyes. Even my mental voice was choked when I was finally able to say something.

_What are you looking for?!_

_I don't have much time, Sheppard, _Thalen muttered. _Minutes, maybe. But I'm going to save your life. _His voice sounded ragged as he ripped through another set of doors like he was tearing open stitches in a wound, getting closer to whatever truth he was trying to find.

Teyla turned back around to me. Her expression was horrified. Tears glinted in her eyes. Terror pulsed through me. Not because she was pointing her gun at me—I barely saw that. What I _did _see was Teyla, looking right into me, seeing everything Thalen was bringing to the surface…

_Look in her eyes, John…_

Thalen plunged down, down, deep into my chest, and finally flung open the cellar door of my heart. My breathing stopped. So did he.

He gazed down inside me, hushed.

_I found it_. He murmured. Then, my lungs filled with air, and he used me to speak.  
"If you kill me," he said slowly. "You kill him."

Teyla's eyes flashed.

_No, _I tried. _Please, don't…_

But then he said it—the discovery he had torn out of me.

"He cares for you more than you know."  
Teyla blinked. Then, her resolve broke to pieces. Her forehead twisted and she sucked in a tight

breath.

"Please do not make me do this," she begged Phebus.

"You don't have to," Thalen said quietly. Teyla swallowed and her grip on her gun shook. My

eyes widened at her.

_What…?_

_Look at her, John, _Thalen said tiredly. He sounded the way I always wished my dad

would talk to me: gentle. Wise. Sad.

_Look at her_, he said again. _You're not blind, are you?_

I couldn't answer. I felt like my chest had been opened and exposed. But I also saw that Teyla felt the same.  
"Shoot him," Elizabeth cut in. "Or I release the gas and just hope it reaches the both of you."  
"She has the capability of doing what she claims," Caldwell warned us. "Teyla ... I'm not gonna tell you what to do."  
"I am," Elizabeth snapped. "Kill him.  
Teyla stared down at the floor, her breathing unsteady. I did what Thalen said.

I looked at her. And I got lost there.

Thalen had stopped his ransacking. Now he just sat, worn out. I could almost feel him aging.

Shivering, Teyla aimed at me again. But she wouldn't kill me. Not when she was looking at me

that way.  
"Sheppard doesn't believe you'll do it," Thalen murmured.  
Teyla never glanced away. But she cocked the rifle.  
"Forgive me, John," she whispered.

_I think maybe you were wrong, _I said quietly.

_No, I'm not. _Thalen was completely calm. _She'd sooner shoot herself than shoot you._

_How do you know? _

Thalen smiled inside me.

_Maybe you _are _blind. _  
Teyla's finger reached for the trigger. I didn't move. Her lip trembled.

_Teyla…_

"Teyla, this is Caldwell." His voice sliced through the silence. "Do not fire! I repeat, do not fire!"

Teyla's eyes flashed, and she lowered her gun. My heart thudded hard. Caldwell spoke again.

"All security teams -- this is Caldwell. Resume your search for Doctor Weir."  
Teyla began moving toward a door, and Thalen said something to her. I couldn't track it. Pain

began seeping through my muscles—and then every single nerve was on fire. I started twitching.

_I'm dying, John, _Thalen sighed.

_What?_ A pang of regret hit me as the pieces clicked into place too late. Thalen hadn't killed _one _of my people. He'd only stunned Teyla. He'd called a medical team for Ronon. And he'd just saved my life.

_You have to fight Phebus_, _John, _His voice was fading. _She's…evil._

_So…_ I said, my vision getting hazy. _I guess that makes you…the good guy?_

He smiled a little again.

_I guess so. _

_Sorry I screamed at you, _I managed.

_Then make it up to me._

_How?_

_Tell her, John._ His voice was just a whisper now, as the pain took us. _At least…tell her thank you…_

And then, as blackness took over again, Thalen died.

VVV

I was going for comfortable, today. I was taking time off. I was wearing my favorite cargo pants and black, long-sleeved shirt, and I was going to lie around after lunch and watch football.

McKay, Ronon—newly healed—Teyla and I sat at a table and ate, like always. But Teyla wasn't the same. During the few days since Elizabeth and I got our bodies back, Teyla had avoided me, wouldn't look at me, and fidgeted when I was around. And today, I figured out why.

She was really scared about what she had almost done.

So, when she excused herself early and left, hurrying down the hall, I followed her. I had seen her eyes. I knew what she felt for me.

"Hey," I called, trotting up to her in the hall. She spun around, startled. She looked caught. But I ignored that. Before she was totally turned around, I stepped forward, slid my arms around her waist and pulled her into my chest. I rested my mouth on her shoulder and wrapped her up tight. I felt her carefully drape her arms around my neck. She was stiff. For a second, we just stood there. Then, I finally spoke.

"Thanks for not shooting me, Teyla," I said into her collar. She melted against me. She let out a long sigh that shook, and then I felt her slender fingers stroke through the hair at the back of my neck.

"You're welcome, John." Her voice was muffled by my neck. I rubbed her back, warming her up, and she tightened her arms around me. Then, I stepped back and let her go. She swiped at her eyes.

"Not that I didn't deserve it, though," I added, shrugging. "I mean, I _did _stun you."

She gave a watery laugh.

"I suppose I shall forgive you this one time."

She looked up at me. I gazed back at her. For just a moment, we were back there in front of that security camera, frozen—and I really felt like I ought to say something.

Then, I saw it in her eyes. She was already shutting her cellar door. So, reluctantly, I shut mine.

"Thanks again," I smiled at her. She smiled back. And I turned and headed to my room.

FIN


End file.
